Sometimes when you look into the abyss

kyrie313 @ 2009-06-18T18:30:00

2009-06-19T01:31:03Z

I freaking love this song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e01C3AqzjlE

"The lights will not guide you through, they're deceiving you"

2009-02-20T03:01:21Z

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Finally. Job is mine.

For the passed 2 days I've been paid $10/hr to sit and read my book. I've read a novel and a half in two days. o_o... looooots of book reading.

My ACTUAL job involves hunting down what case file/person file a certain document belongs electronically attached to. I have to hunt through many databases and have at least 3 points of reference in order to absolutely prove that an image document belongs to a file. My childlike mind is trying to convince me that I am a Private Detective. XD

I SHOULD have the ability to long into all the systems tomorrow... but assuming that I can't.. MOAR READING!! XO

I love my life.

kyrie313 @ 2009-01-30T16:53:00

2009-01-31T01:52:48Z

So I torrented the movie, The God Who Wasn't There and even though it wasn't the best movie I've ever seen, I did enjoy it and I am contemplating purchasing the full copy so that I can watch the full interviews. A recommended watch, and as the title infers, it's not exactly Fire&Brimstone-friendly.

And following a few link given at the end of the film, I stumbled upon a letter that I found highly amused:
Dear Believer.

And if you go to the main site that I found this here , you'll find some other amusing stuff.

For example, The Bible on Biblical Marriage .

In other news, as many people know, Kayla ad I are engaged and are going to be tying the knot in the February of 2010, if all goes according to plan. Maybe gay marriage will be fully legalized by then, who knows? 6 year doesn't seem so long when I think back on it, of course counting our only year of problems when we were fickle.

We've decided on the theme of Beauty and the Beast, and I've almost fully decided the Arista Ballroom will be the place. I'm torn between catering options, though... The Arista Ballroom offers food, service, free non-alcoholic drinks, linins and such, dinnerware and the likes as part of it's deal.. though we're looking at about $35-40 a plate. Whereas another catering venue called Voila Catering does not include all the extras, but it only about $16-20 per plate. I guess I should call and get a little more information on both of them, see if maybe I could find a way for them to work together.

I've basically got the bride and groom outfits planned out in my mind.. I just need to find someone better at sewing then I am to commision to make them for me. I also might be going through a local small business owner to make our cake. The design I have in mind is rough, but it will basically look like an old, open story book with the Beast's castle on top. I'm debating whether to have the castle over the whole book like this:

Or have the castle in the upper corner of one half, and a long stem rose draped across the other page with a caligraphy 'Tale as old as Time' and the movie's opening monolouge over the page.

For the dress, something to this nature:

With obvious alterations to the 'off the shoulder' thing. As far as the groom's attire, we're looking at a orange/gold vest:

But with a white cravat instead of a tie... and a blue tailcoat like such...ish:

WIth gold buttons and trim.. and then come the pants with gold striped accent down the side and calf-high brown flat boots. Wait a moment.. what kind of shoes did Belle wear? Yellow/gold flats, right? I think so... o_O;;;

Anywho.. I have lot of ideas.. but I've come to realize that it's a little tiring to be really the only girl in the group. (Read: As Katie put it, not FEMALE, but Girl.) I don't really have anyone to discuss ideas with and it's rare to find Kayla in a mood to actually WANT to go into details or hear more then a brief idea. Not that I'm complaining.. it's usually the bride that does most of the weding anyway. It's just difficult to be the only one enthusiastic about something. Katie's the closest hing I have to someone that will talk with me about it, and she'll agree with me that we're friends, but not... good friends, if that makes sense. Oh well. I suppose I can get feed back from those few people who still read my journal, see what ideas are good and which suck.

Oh... maybe I should keep an actual.. journal thing. Like a scratchbook? Compile and whatnot.

Well, that's all for now. Whee! My first actual post of the year~ how exciting.

kyrie313 @ 2009-01-29T12:00:00

2009-01-29T20:02:08Z

Yay!!

Yeah, I think it's hot. Sue me.

Tokio Hotel

2009-01-29T04:32:33Z

I have found a new pretty man that makes music. German pop/rock/emo band called 'Tokio Hotel'. The singer and the guitarist are identical twins and oh so pretty.. Bill's the singer and the one in my icon, Tom is his brother with the gangsta' style and dreads.

They both have some serious hair..

I really like their songs 'Monsoon' and 'Don't Jump'.

Monsoon:

Don't Jump:

There. Music spread.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

2009-01-13T00:28:49Z

........I couldn't stop laughing.... XXXDDDD

Toys that made me gay:

A Schrute Family Christmas

2009-01-02T05:42:54Z

Froehliche Weihnachten faithful readers! Many of you have requested I divulge information regarding the Schrute family’s annual Christmas traditions. Initially I thought, what my family does in the privacy of our compound does not concern you, but then I had a change of heart after watching a special Christmas television program with Mose. In the program, a skinny green monster impersonated Santa Claus, broke into the homes of an entire village, and repeatedly committed felony burglary. I realized that this sort of lawless behavior is lauded by our society as exemplifying the “Christmas spirit” and it made me sick. So rather than stand by idly and watch mankind continue to emulate the skinny green Christmas monster, I’ve decided to share my family’s Christmas customs in the hopes that they may serve to exemplify the true meaning of the “Christmas spirit.”

Christmas Eve is a particularly holy night for my family. An Austrian priest, Joseph Mohr, penned a poem exploiting my family’s tradition of the “Silent Night.” As the title suggests, no one is allowed to speak or make any noise, without facing the bitter taste of the switch. The satisfaction we all got when someone accidentally spoke and was switched is still one of the greatest memories of my childhood.

Our Christmas day traditions are pretty mainstream. We wake up early to exchange small, handmade wooden presents and to slaughter our dinner—the Christmas goat. And of course, if a Schrute has been particularly good that year, then Kris Von Kindl fills his stockings with coal, a highly desired source of fuel during long, cold Pennsylvania winters.

And since our Christmas festivities are so much fun, we carry them on for another day, which we call, “Boxing Day.” In between feasting and personal meditation, the day is spent engaging in fierce hand-to-hand combat with our loved ones. Unresolved familial issues that have crept up over the course of the year get settled once and for.

Thus, after three gruelingly delightful days spent internalizing the Christmas virtues (love, obedience, and endurance), our family is ready to ring in the New Year with the true Christmas spirit etched into the musculature of our hearts.

May you and yours have the best of battles this holiday season,

Dwight K. Schrute.

kyrie313 @ 2008-12-02T20:33:00

2008-12-03T04:51:59Z

Uh...I think the original instructions were put Itunes on shuffle and then write down the answers to each question from the song that randomly pops up, no matter what the song is.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY??
"All the Things She Said"-t.A.t.U

I reiterate.

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"Gay Bar"-Electric Six

That explains a lot.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Long Legs"-Tim and Eric

Enough said.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Baby Mine"-Dumbo

I'm supposed to have a kid, get locked in prison, and then my child will be waiting outside my cell knowing I will never come back to them.

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"A Guy Like You"-Hunchback of Notre Dame

Great, I'm inspirational. -_-

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"I Need to Know"-Marc Anthony

Uh...thanks guys.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Rock Bottom"-Eminem

Great, I'm depressed. Oh, don't forget inspirational.

WHAT IS 2+2?
"Bad Day"-Daniel Powter

2+2 is a bad day, bitches!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS
"You Can Fly! You Can Fly!"-Peter Pan

YOU CAN FLY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Lucky Star theme"-Lucky Star

Sorry, Kayla.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"Tonight I Want to Cry"-Keith Urban

I feel like fucking Eeyore.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Everything's Coming Up Roses"-Bette Midler

Great, I want to be my mother.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"The Court of Miracles"-Hunchback of Notre Dame

I see her murdering me. While singing!

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"One Last Hope"-Hercules

I'm the one last hope they settled for.

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"The Real Slim Shady"-Eminem

Seems fitting.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"You're the One That I Want"-Grease

That depresses me for some reason.

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Closer"-NIN

Spock x Kirk forever!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Grinch Schedule"-How the Grinch Stole Christmas

I don't want to talk to them and I make up reasons that I tell myself are true to get out of it.

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"The Cave of Wonders"-Aladdin

Well shit. Either the worst thing that could happen is I get a large sum of money or I kill myself while being greedy over it. Say no to Abu, kids. Oh, and stay in school.

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Hawaiian Rollercoaster Ride"-Lilo and Stitch

Fuck, I'm never surfing.

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
"One Song Glory"-Rent

Not taking advantage of my creativity while I'm still young?

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
"Don't Make me Laugh"-Pebble and the Penguin

...Uhm..XD Yeah, I'm laughing.

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
"Reflection"-Christina Aguilera

Not being accepted for who I really am.. or something campy like that..

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
"Jack's Lament"-Nightmare Before Christmas

Uh.... Kayla says I'm too focused on finding myself. Sure.

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
"Batty Rap"-Fern Gully

I'm afraid of being experimented on? *nods* I accept that.

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
"A star is born"-Hercules

...Yeah. o_O;;

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"Crush"-David Archuleta's music video

...Never would have been made. DX

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
"Ain't no mountain high enough"-Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrel

I'm not challenged, perhaps?

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"America(Fuck Yeah)!"

01. Put your music player on shuffle.
02. The first lines of twenty songs = a poem; the first line of the twenty-first song is the title.

"Today 4 U"-Itunes

For the power to be strong
Perfect by nature
In this time
I can show you the world
You and me together

What's it gonna be, Kyle?
I wanna talk to you
You build me up, you knock me down
Don't let it get you
I gotta be honest

They say
I didn't get where I am today
Dancing with Daniella
Mary walks down to the water's edge
T'was a long time ago

Once upon a time
Live in my house, I'll be your shelter
I wanna be the very best
Star on the rolling hills, side figures dance around and 'round
Kiss, kiss, fall in love

Oh wow..

2008-09-16T18:15:30Z

HAPPY BURFDAY, KAITLIN!!!

kyrie313 @ 2008-08-20T02:48:00

2008-08-20T06:48:26Z

The SEME or UKE Quiz
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as The Devilish UKE

You are by far the toughest UKE out there and possibly the most insane. Most people call you a smart-ass or a jerk but just because you get them mad at you doesn't mean you want to hurt them. There is something inside of you that hates to hurt people but the excitement is just too good to waste. Some think you're funny and others think you don't know when to quit but then again you don't really give a damn. You are a fan of comedy and comedians but only because they have the same mind that you do and they speak it so easily. If you are such a person then congratulations, the stinging whip of a Homicidal SEME may do you some good and teach you a lesson.. or make you want the punishment even more, whichever works best. Most SEME can't handle you so it's best to not scare them half to death. Most of any other UKE would befriend you in an instant if you would stop pulling tricks on them. To wrap up your description I sha'll say that you can handle anything. Any kink, and position, any ANYTHING. All you really care about is getting the punishment - some may call it masochism but you just call it heaven.

The Devilish UKE

80%

The Sorrowful UKE

55%

The Homicidal SEME

55%

The Breaker SEME

55%

The Optimistic UKE

50%

The Gentle SEME

30%

Shut up, kids!

2008-08-19T20:29:04Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fffjLWRwybQ

...........hillarious.........

Kayla knew it

2008-08-11T23:03:52Z

Who is your inner CLAMP character?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Fai

Youâ™re kinda like Fai from Tsubasa! Flamboyant, charismatic maybe a little bit tricky, you don't like letting anyone get too close to you, but you have no problem playing around and having a good time. Generally, your intentions are good â“ or so youâ™d like everyone to believe, but itâ™s quite possible that you have a darker side to you that you have become extremely good at hiding. Just remember that there are people around you that love you. More than you even knowâ¦

Fai

88%

Seishirou

88%

Chii

79%

Kero-chan

75%

Yuuko

71%

Miyuki-chan

71%

Kamui

67%

Kurogane

67%

Watanuki

54%

Hokuto

46%

Sakura

42%

Personality test-thing INTP

2008-07-27T20:09:52Z

Overview of "Me"

"Me" in relationships

Wow, that seem pretty accurate to me.

kyrie313 @ 2008-07-25T13:49:00

2008-07-25T20:54:01Z

http://savetheinternet.com/=faq

Oh Hells Yeah!

2008-07-24T22:33:27Z

Finally after FOREVER I got a job!
I'm now the assistant rental manager for an apartment complex.
I barely do anything except man the desk and make a news letter each month.
$14/hr?? Fuck yes.

I'm SO excited, this is awesome.

kyrie313 @ 2008-07-22T09:48:00

2008-07-22T16:59:41Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJuNgBkloFE

The video is funny, but people are throwing fists back and forth between each other. There's one comment I could leave alone..

Someone named OrchardStreetProphet said:
"1st of all they showed a freakin map of Iran. Don't think we don't know where u are, ok "mate"? we're comin 2 "grill you up on the barbi". 2nd of all, ur a dumbass. we cant get to you from the ground cuz ur in the middle of the ocean! As for what iran did to america, ever hear of kuwait? ever hear of sadam husein? lemme explain sumthin to u, there's all this oil that america needs to make freedom and the problem is that theres an axis on top of it that wants to use the oil to make evil"

To which I replied,
"First off, if you're talking to someone from Iran "mate" isn't a proper name to call them. That's for someone from Australia.
Second,

"there's all this oil that america needs to make freedom"

....Are you serious? America needs oil to "make freedom"?
Okay, not everyone in America is as retarded as you, dumbass.. but it's people like you that give the rest of us decent human beings a bad reputation.
Lastly, Iran is not an island only surrounded by water, there are several middle eastern countries at it's borders; Turkey, Iraq, Turkmenistan, Pakistan, Afghanistan..

For fuck's sake, please don't talk ever again."

Cats = LOVE

2008-07-01T20:04:46Z

YAAAY~!

Check out my new user pics, they're adorable~!

kyrie313 @ 2008-05-07T15:32:00

2008-05-07T22:32:50Z

Ehh.. might as well..

Not work safe..

2008-04-28T21:09:01Z

......Yeah..

<object height="344" width="434"><param name="movie" value="http://embed.redtube.com/player/"><param name="FlashVars" value="id=3370&style=redtube"><embed src="http://embed.redtube.com/player/?id=3370&style=redtube" pluginspage="http://www.adobe.com/shockwave/download/download.cgi?P1_Prod_Version=ShockwaveFlash" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" height="344" width="434"></object>

kyrie313 @ 2008-04-24T13:17:00

2008-04-24T20:18:34Z

Another connection severed.

Surprisingly accurate..

2008-04-18T06:05:48Z

EDIT: Fuck. I did the test, but it didn't post right, so I have to take the raw evidence..

You are a calm person who is considered almost fearless by some. You rarely get angry and it takes a lot to make you angry. You tend to lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. You are sensitive about what others think of you. Your concern about rejection and ridicule cause you to feel shy and uncomfortable around others. You are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Your fears that others will criticize or make fun of you are exaggerated and unrealistic, but your awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy. You feel strong cravings and urges that you have difficulty resisting. You tend to prefer short-term pleasures and rewards over long-term consequences. High levels of stress can lead to you feeling panic or confusion, but usually you cope with day to day pressures.
You generally make friends easily enough although you mostly don't go out of your way to demonstrate positive feelings toward others. You tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. You often need privacy and time for yourself. You tend not to talk much and prefer to let others control the activities of groups. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. You enjoy some excitment and risk taking in your life. You are not prone to spells of energetic high spirits.
Often you find the real world is too plain and ordinary for your liking, and you use fantasy as a way of creating a richer, more interesting world for yourself. You love beauty, both in art and in nature. Sometimes you become easily involved and absorbed in artistic and natural events. You tend not to express your emotions openly and are sometimes not even aware of your own feelings. Familiar routines are good, but sometimes you like to spice up your life with a bit of adventure or activity. You enjoy a certain amount of debate or intellectual thought, but sometimes get bored with too much. Often you exhibit a readiness to challenge authority, convention, and traditional values. Sometimes you feel a certain degree of hostility toward rules and perhaps even enjoy ambiguity.
You generally see others as selfish, devious, and sometimes potentially dangerous. You believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. You are guarded in new relationships and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth about yourself. You do not particularly like helping other people. Requests for help feel like an imposition on your time. You dislike confrontations and are perfectly willing to compromise or to deny your own needs in order to get along with others. You are willing to take credit for good things that you do but you don't often talk yourself up much. You are not affected strongly by human suffering, priding yourself on making objective judgments based on reason. You are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy.
You believe that you have the intelligence, common sense, drive, and self-control necessary for achieving success. You are well-organized and like to live according to routines and schedules. Often you will keep lists and make plans. You find contracts, rules, and regulations overly confining and are sometimes seen as unreliable or even irresponsible by others. You are content to get by with a minimal amount of work, and might be seen by others as lazy. You find yourself procrastinating and show poor follow-through on tasks. Often you fail to complete tasks - even tasks that you want very much to complete. You are not an overly cautious person. You will think about alternatives and consequences but make up your mind fairly quickly.

...Yeah.

kyrie313 @ 2008-04-07T09:31:00

2008-04-07T16:48:17Z

So..... front desk time. I'm doing all of Pam's, our receptionist's, work today. They'd like me to stay until 5, because that's when her shifts over.. but I have Japanese today. She's having some serious contractions today and had to go to the hospital.. she's due on May 3rd so this actually might be her in labor. Nichole, the woman whose going to be finding her replacement said that I might be asked by her to come every day. ...if that happens, I might just apply for the possition.. but I guess that would mean no Japanese.

Maybe it would be better this way since Kayla has been promoted and doesn't get off until 4.. Maybe it would be better if we just got into a class at a different time..

*sigh* I dont' know.. But I'd love to have this job.

Douzo

2008-04-04T19:08:01Z

I totally had a dream that I couldn't stop laughing in japanese class due to thirsty babies..

Also, Kayla will probably hate me for breaking the news for her... but oh well. ^ ^ She got promoted at work, finally! It's sad, but this promotion will have it so that she'll be making on her paycheck more then her and I made combined before her promotion. We're actually going to be able to pay our way out of debt.. actually be able to cave more the $50 a month and actually have it stay saved instead of using it to cover a transaction that might bounce.
Oh GOD is this a relief..

The only problem is.. she'll be working until 4 and nihon kurasu starts at 3:30... so she agreed not to take her lunch break and get off at 3:30 on Mon., and Wed... now how she'll get to class is anybodys guess.. I think we're going to humble ourself completely and beg Stephanie to pick her up since she'll probably be nice enough to do it.

Yep... pretty much.... it...

o___o

A letter to someone that's long overdue..

2008-02-28T00:55:13Z

This isn't really meant for anyone to read, but I feel like I should post it. Read it if you like.. I just hope that I actually will send it to it's actual recipient.

I've always struggled with writing, so I apologize if my way of electronic speech is crude, repetitive and painful to read.

Okay, I can't think of anyway to put this poetically so I'll out and say it.
You need to pay off Comcast. All the way.
You scare me too much to bring this up to you in person. You intimidate me and make me feel guilty for even the slightest disagreement, whether it's intentional or not. I've been fighting with myself and those around me as to whether or not I would actually, ever, confront you.
It's killing me inside to be so cautious around you and I need to get this off my chest and as cowardly as you may think me, this is the only way I know how.

No, I'm not trying to cause my family to suffer and deprive you of something vital for your life. Comcast consists of cable, which is no where near essential. The phone, which you guys both have cellphones any way so I don't see the necessity. And lastly, internet, which you can easily find a WiFi source in so many places for your laptop these days it's not even funny. It has been over a year since the total bill was ever paid. As it stands, there's still a $182.57 balance still left on the account even though you've claimed to have paid all your bills.
Last month had $183.64. Before was $167.36, $51.08, $90.80, $98.08, $81.71, $215.34, $93.85, $227.55, $110.19, $76.65. If you want proof of the statements, they're online. Kayla and I make significantly less then
You have to know what that's doing to my credit. I can't go to school anymore because I can't get a student loan. I've been denied from 3 applications as well as something as simple as a 50/50 plan at PCC where I can pay half when it's due and the other half in another 4 weeks.
It looks bad when you have more then one late payment, but over a year of them? Mom, you are ruining my credit. And in a society that relies too heavily on personal credit, this is very upsetting to me. When brought to your attention last time you said that because it wasn't your own, you would take extra care to make sure it was okay and made me feel guilty for having ever doubted you.

I'm sorry to say it but unfortunately you have driven me to this. If I ever hope to pick up the pieces that you have so carelessly laid out for me then this has to stop now. Either you pay off the comcast bill within this next month or I will go into my Wamu account and pay it off for you then cancel the account. I should cancel it either way, but I'll allow it to stay on if and only if all the payments are made in full and on time. I should not have to suffer for your inability to preserve your own credit. You are not the victim in this, mom, I am. The victim of identity theft and I don't want to have to go to authorities to get this taken care of. You are the parent in this, not me. I should not have to carry your weight in something that I should be depending on you for.

Ever since I was old enough to work I have been. For you. Never once have I regretted all the money I've put towards your bills. That is not my responsibility and yet despite you saying I didn't have to, I wanted to. I got a job for you. You ask why Destiny acts like she's so incompetent, I think it's because in some ways she is. She has never, EVER had to work as hard for you as I have. Any chore that she had, aside from her room, I have had to do for her at least ten times. Even the slightest ailments for her and, "Don't worry, Sissy will do it for you." Of course she can't do things as well you and I, she's never really had to. I think me moving out was one of the best things I've ever done for her because now she actually has to do her chores. And I don't understand why she thinks she can talk back to you like she does. You taught me so many things so well, and I am forever grateful for all the hard work I've had to do because I can handle my life because of it. She gets away with so much that she is so very disrespectful and you seem confused as to why.

I've confessed to you before that I don't like Destiny and now I think is a good time to tell you why. She is the most manipulative child I've ever met. In so many ways I had to act like a mother to her when sometimes the real mother acted like the child, and yet I got none of the authority that went with the responsibility. There were multiple time where she had threatened me with things like ruining what chore I had completed or more commonly ruining the homework I had done in order to not get in trouble. She knew full well that I would get in trouble for getting upset at her, so she would purposely antagonize me knowing she could get away with it. I'm not claiming to be innocent of this because obviously all siblings fight, but she could be especially cruel at times. Anything I had said to her I had meant; every confession of wanting to leave her behind, every couple of months when I couldn't handle her snide comments and threats and I screamed at her until my throat was sore(I think I even had resorted to throwing things at her a couple of times), even the time I left her alone on the swing and threatened her with the knife that I talked you off as having been an accident. Maybe I'm more at fault then I'd like to think I am, but all my repressed rage has to come from somewhere.

I.. don't know where to go from here. There's so much I've wanted to talk to you about but I'm sure you've noticed that whenever it comes to me and conflict, I clam up. As much as I would like to speak to you in person, I don't think it would get done on my part. I'm sorry if I've hurt you in any way but these are things that I need to address in order to live with myself.

Since I was 9 I have been involved in cyber-sex with older men and women online and sending them your pictures saying that they were of me. Many men that you've never knew existed have masturbated to them and told me. I've used your sex toys for a very long time.
I lost my virginity to cousin David. The night of the winter formal after Destiny had finished playing Kingdom Hearts, he propositioned me for sex and I couldn't find my voice to tell him no, so he took me out back and laid me in dirt beneath the swing-set and committed statutory. It happened several times over that year and he even tied me down on your bed when you were in the hospital after your attempted suicide.
When we lived in Gresham in the blue apartments on Burnside, the woman who drove me, Terry and the other kids to "Awana" molested me twice while making me ask Jesus for forgiveness because I was so dirty and I had to let him into me to clean me.
When we were going to go to California with Tyler and I had told Jessie that I think I loved her, she threw dirt in my face and said I was disgusting and that she never wanted to talk to me again. She then proceeded to tell other kids at school and I was verbally and very mildly sexually attacked by some boys at school that I had never seen before.
Uncle Bill peed on me once before when he lived near Dr. Trapp and I had spent the night and I've told you about the roommate Rodney that violated me with a beer bottle.
Your ex-boyfriend Le Quack had made several sexual comments towards me and I looked at gay porn under his screen-name in your computer to get back at him in some ways. I had flirted back a few times.
I've been sexually active since about 6 with Tia and I've messed around many times with our roommate David's daughter Holly. I ate David's cookies, he counted them correctly.
When you caught Mark and I making out, we weren't making out, we were having sex.
This may be childish, but I will never forgive you for getting rid of all Velma. For lying to me about never hitting me again when we lived with Monica, then about never hitting me with anything but your bare hand. For making me lie to Aunt Kelly about when you whipped Tia. For whipping me. For throwing things at me and making me clean up your mess. For repeatedly kicking me in the stomach when I was on the ground in front of the washer and dryer. Every parent everywhere in the world gets mad at their kids and not all of then abuse them. Though unfortunately it came to a point where I would do things on purpose so that you would hit me. I purposely kept all my things in boxes when you ramshackled my room because I was thinking of anyway to leave. The only reason I pleaded to come back home from staying with grandma was because I wanted to continue going to A&C. I'm also still sore about you getting mad at me and acting like a petrified child when you found the poem that I had written about standing over your bed with a knife and then not even a week later scoffing at a news segment where a school reprimanded a student for writing about his thoughts on bringing a gun to school when all he was doing was "writing the thoughts and feelings that he would never act out as long as he was able to express in privacy" as you said.
During 9 and 10th grade I struggled with Bulimia and contemplated quite seriously bringing a gun to school, but couldn't think of how to get one.
I have scars on my legs from when I was feeling sorry for myself and would cut myself.
I tried twice to overdose on my anti-depressant pills and various other ones I found but was obviously unsuccessful.
I used to steal from Goodwill and church all the time when I was younger whenever I found something I thought you'd like.
That copy of the Matrix is actually one I took from my Dad.
I remember pushing the dog off the building.
I remember when we lived with Monica that one easter I snuck around the home hiding markers(or crayons?) for you to find. I was so proud of myself than night thinking that I had done something so great and fun for you.
I was also so proud of that dark blue dress that I had that I made you eggs in and you complimented me on even though I know they probably disgusting.
I was also very proud of my coffee-making skills.
I used to, and still occasionally have fits of nervous breakdowns where I can stop sobbing and seeing grotesque creatures trying to crawl out of the walls and ceiling at me.
I still hear voices sometimes and see random dead-like figures standing in the distance.
I lied to Dr Chow during every session because I was afraid I'd end up telling her too much and I didn't want you to get in trouble and lose your medical license or job and get sent to jail and ruin your whole life like you told me it would.
I never took a shower because I didn't want to waste the water and cost you any money. I never washed my clothing for the same reason.
One time in anger I told Destiny about how you would smother her as a baby when she would let you sleep.
The reason why Kayla ever acted unfriendly towards was because she knew most of this, as did Michelle, Amanda and AJ.

Mom, I love you so dearly but I have to admit that I've never been happier then I am now living with Kayla and away from everyone. I cannot express how much guilt I have for feeling this way and for every torment I've put you through. I blame myself for every time you hit me despite what everyone has told me and everything I've read about child abuse. I know your childhood was full of abuse and many untold horrors, but that's not an excuse. This cycle will stop with me, if I ever get over my fears of motherhood. The biggest reason why I don't want a child is because I don't want to hurt them. I also fear that I have some sort of mental illness and I'm so scared of passing it to a child.

You confessed to me about maybe having MPD and in all honestly I sometimes agree. Maybe not in the traditional sense, but I do believe you to be at least two very different people. One of which is someone I greatly fear, hate and resent.. the other however is someone I love more then life itself. You can be both horrible as well as the best mother I could ever have wish for. You've worked so hard to provide a wonderful life for me and Destiny. I truely wish you complete happiness and a long, beautiful future with Gary. I'm so glad that you've found someone that you love and that loves you back so much.

I wish I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I wish I knew what I needed to say and how to say it. I'm afraid of how you'll react to this. If you'll cry and get depressed or get angry and call me to yell at me. I wonder if you'll even finish reading this and if you do, will you reply to me or note it, but then never bring it up and we'll go on like always, pretending nothings happened and that every thing's fine.
This is probably one of the more horrible ending every written but I don't know what else to say. For my own selfish sake, I just hope that this isn't going to get too messy. For the record though, before you come to any conclusion, I do love you. Very deeply from the bottom of my heart. I hope that one day everything will be good between us again like it was when I was younger. I'm not sure what went wrong with me that caused you to snap, but I greatly apologize for whatever happened between us during my middle school to high school transition. I'm sorry if I'm a disappointment to you and I truly mean that. I'm not trying to get sympathy from you or make you feel like I don't appreciate all you've done for me. I.. I'm rambling now and I don't know where to go from here.. so I think I'm just going to stop writing.

kyrie313 @ 2008-01-14T13:37:00

2008-01-14T21:38:06Z

Okay, and a second one..

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Kyrie313

I want brutal honesty!