I surely dont want to cause any more hurt. There already has been too much of that to last several lifetimes. Sometimes hearing someones elses perspective can help you see things that were not considered. Yes, I see how much hurt I have caused. Maybe youre right and I dont deserve forgiveness from my children and I have done all of this to myself.
I dont want to cause more hardship for them so I resend my decision to not offer financial support, it seems the least I could do. I will also pay for the catering and bring up the chicken already prepared. I dont want to miss my daughters happy day I just thought that it would be better if I was not there for Destiny so she didnt have to be around me. I will come if she says that she doesnt mind that I am there.
I can not afford to pay 325 a month and rent a place for myself as well. I cant afford to pay two rents a month. We need to talk about what will work for both of us.
I guess I just have to accept that I have caused hurt that can not be taken away but in my defense, no matter how irrational it may sound, Destiny wanted me to die. She told me that she doesnt love me, wanted me gone and I would gladly die for her. With all the nightmares and no sleep and her being so mean then acting like she had no idea what I was talking about was just too much for me to handle. I was too raw and sensitive. My tough skin that alway protected me was gone. She told me she was disappointed that I was her parent among other horrible things. I was ready to die and remove myself from her life so she never had to even look at me. Its what she wanted. She could have stopped me but she just told me to hurry up and get it over with. That day I kept going to her and asking her are you sure that this is what you want, her answer was yes. I did it for her. But now I accept that this is my illness talking.
As far as Kyra goes, I can not change what has happened. I can only profusely apologize for giving her such a terrible childhood. I tried to make up for it by letting her always have parties and such. I tried in my own way but I guess all I tried to do could never rectify or take away the pain. I am glad that she has you to love her and always be there for her. To defend her. That is something I have never had and always wanted. Some one who loves me no matter what. As soon as I wrote this I thought wait I have Kyra. She has loved me no matter what. I am blinded by my illness and my hurt.
Time is the only thing that can take some of the pain away. If Destiny is ok with me attending the wedding I would love to be there but afterwards I will distance myself from you guys so you can heal and will stay away until I am invited back.
Just remember that I love you more than I could ever tell you. I have never been more proud of Kyra than I am now and only want the best for you all