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Letter Warz

Being unable to find the words to reply I asked Kayla to reply in a way that expressed both of our feelings regarding the situation. Thank you, baby. <3

Dear Cat,

This is Kayla, responding on behalf of Kyra who says she's not sure how to respond to this email because it's too difficult and she asked me to. We've discussed it together and so I want assure you that these statements reflect in part, how Kyra feels as well because she will be looking over this before it's sent.

In regards to the finances as this affects not only us but Destiny's well-being as well, we unsurprisingly, do not agree. However, if you want to shirk your financial obligations as a parent, then obviously there's nothing we can do to stop you. Tyler at least will still be paying child support so I suppose that will have to do, though I can assure you the loss of half the rent will still affect us poorly.

In regards to you not coming to the wedding, it's a shame that you would allow whatever perceived insult to prevent you from seeing your oldest daughter's special day, but again, who are we to stop you? If that's really want you want (though I'm sure you will say it's not what you want, rather what you HAVE to do) then no one has the right to stop you from making that decision. I will see if someone else can assist with the catering, though I'll be frank with you, your last minute decision to distance yourself will likely make this impossible, but then again I suppose you've already considered that, so wasting space on this email discussing it is pointless. We'll make it work however we need to.

As for coming over on Wednesday, since you have announced that both of your children are dead to you and you to them, I'm sure you can understand that following an announcement like that there is no reason for us to adjust our schedule to fit yours. We will be busy with the wedding throughout this entire week and on a short honeymoon Sunday and Monday, so you're going to have to come over sometime next week, preferably on a day that we're available. Tuesday would work best for us. However, of course we'll need the chicken and teriyaki sauce back prior to the wedding so we can arrange a day for that to happen.

Following that I expect that you will not cause any kind of problems for either one of your children or our new roommate, because I will be forced to intercede on their behalf if you do so. I am not adverse to bringing in outside help if it comes to that. I don't want to cause your children more stress or suffering then they already have been subjected to and I would hope you have the same feeling in mind. I know you're not a bad person nor even a bad mother, but sometimes you choose to say and do things that are unnecessarily hurtful to your children. Based off what you've said in this email, I can only imagine you feel that it's the other way around but I can assure you from my biased standpoint and also from the objective viewpoints of others that we see a rather different picture. In any case, there's no point in debating who's right as keeping things civil shouldn't be that hard to do anyway nor is it much to ask among adults.

Now, as to what I have to say.

I am sorry for the life you have led because I understand that it has been tormenting for you. Though I am young and less experienced, I too have seen the cruelty other people can inflict on the innocent and sadly, in your case you have suffered a great deal just in your childhood then most will ever experience in their entire lifetime.

I admire your perseverance. I admire your strength and your courage. There is not a shadow of doubt in my mind that what you have suffered is enough to cripple most anyone, so in no way do I suggest that you have not been affected and that you are not, by all rights, ill. I want you to understand as Kyra's close confidante that she loves you. She loves you in spite of what has been done to you and in spite of what you have done to her. She has defended you from me and others on numerous occasions because she cares for you so deeply, even when you were hurting her.

Going off of that, I have silently watched on the sidelines for almost 9 years of knowing her, the pain she has suffered as well. Each time she was hurt by something you did, I bit my tongue, even if it hurt to do so. I'm sure you can well understand from your own life how hard it is to watch someone you love be hurt by someone they trust. It is a terrible feeling to know that you are helpless to fix anything, to not know when it is your right to say something or if you have to risk their hatred in order to save them from the pain they're suffering, knowing that they may never speak to you again but at least then they would be safe.

Countless times I thought of reporting you. Countless times when I saw Kyra's depression or the bruises you left on her, I thought of going to a counselor. I told my parents who I literally had to beg not to report you themselves because it was eating away at me inside, knowing I could reach out my hand to save someone but not having the courage to do so. I let my fear of abandonment (and yes, I know very well that fear you're speaking of) overcome my desire to free Kyra from not just you, but David as well. Even now, I am ashamed of myself. I should have done something, but I didn't and the only way to help her now is to help her in the present.

Which is where this comes in.

I love Kyra and I know you love her too, likely more then I ever could because she is your precious child. But be that as it may, I love her so much, enough that I would die for her a thousand times over, enough that I would give away anything, no matter what it might be. I want you to know that I will protect her until my very last breath and if there is something after this, well beyond that. When I see anyone hurting her regardless of their ties to her, be it by blood or by chance, I will not stand idly by as I did then, not when I have the chance to right what is wrong right now.

Cat, you are ill.
You are ill with damn good reason and in that, despite whatever you may believe, no one faults you. You have every right to be raw, to deserve healing, love, and support.

And you know what? Kyra does love and support you. You know it's hard for her to show how she feels (sometimes it's downright infuriating!) but that doesn't make it any less real. It's insulting and cruel to suggest that she doesn't care simply because she was defending her sister from you. How could you or even really, how dare you say that she doesn't give a shit about you just because she can't meet the unrealistic expectations you set for her?

Destiny is a child, Cat. And a teenager at that. I don't even know your youngest daughter as well as I do Kyra, but then again, I have also been around for most of her young life. I knew Destiny when she was a toddler, so it's not as if I don't know her at all. Destiny is by all accounts a smartass. She's a compassionate, kind, intelligent, thoughtful kid, but still, a smartass. I know that she can be unreasonable and rude, I've seen it, but she is still just a pre-teen, someone who doesn't have the first thing in life figured out but thinks they know everything, so of course she's going to lash out at you. Of course she's going to be a brat or say things she doesn't mean, but so what? Is that really enough to make you honestly (and look down deep, past whatever insecurities say otherwise) believe that your child doesn't love you?

Believe that both your daughters who have stood by you through trials and tribulations would turn their backs on you on a moment's notice? A lifetime's worth of memories isn't thrown away so easily, but do remember that every memory you've given them isn't necessarily one they would want to have. If you have a right to claim that you're lost and plagued by your demons, then so do they. Destiny may have seen less, but she's still seen things that haunt most people well into their adult years. Kyra even more so and she's the one who tries her hardest to work with you! Consider their plight as you would your own, even if you have to consider them someone else's children to picture it.

Would you expect a child who has survived at least two suicide attempts to be completely whole as a person? Would you expect a child that has been hit, verbally abused, and emotionally abused to run back to the person responsible for it? Of course not! Did you? Of course you didn't! Your mother didn't take care of you the way she was supposed to, the way you had a right to be, and you didn't run back to her right away. How can you forgive someone you trusted to never hurt you, to always protect you, to never be the source of the pain after they've betrayed that trust?

Earning that back is a long time in coming for anyone who violates an innocent (and yes, those are all violations) if ever earned back at all.

Destiny is hurt by you, Destiny may be angry that you tried selfishly to take your own life, and so is Kyra. How can you reasonably expect someone who is hurt to take care of the injured? You have wounded your children not just with the attempt on your own life, but with your repeated accusations of general hatred and neglect on their parts. They are just as wounded as you are, just as deserving of a chance to heal and be loved and supported. Demanding that Destiny do more then acknowledge you as she always has just plain isn't fair. If you had been in a serious car accident not of your own doing you would be entitled to be sad if your daughters didn't trip over themselves with care for you, but in a situation where you CHOSE to end your own life, where you accepted a reality where you would rob them intentionally of the only mother they've ever known, you no longer have a right to claim special treatment, at least not from the ones that you have hurt by what you have done.

You can't try and kill yourself one day and then turn around and expect everyone to be okay with that. You were ready to die, Cat. You were ready to leave behind your two children and for what? Letting the demons of the past triumph over you? You're stronger then that. I know it's hard but it's not impossible, and you were never without support. Never, even for a second. Even from me who was angry with you for almost costing my fiance her mother, even with me, I supported you! And I do. We do. Destiny does. The only one who is guilty of not loving you is you.

The only one who whispers to you that Destiny hates you and that Kyra ignores you is the person who doesn't want you to be loved, who is sabotaging your happiness, and that person can only be found in the mirror. The ghosts of the past, however painful, however agonizing, only have as much power as you give them. I know your daughters love you, I've seen Kyra sob over you, I've watched Destiny shut down over you. They both care about you and damn it, it's just not fair to say they don't!

Maybe you do need time apart, but not because they want you to go away, but because maybe you need to stop searching for who to blame whether it be those bastards from the past who hurt you or your innocent daughters who love you and just want you to get better. You need to search deep within yourself and confront the battered child you were, the one that had a fucking hard life and didn't have anyone to help them when they needed it, and you need to tell her it's going to be okay and get her and you the help you need to take care of this so it no longer claims any more of your life.

Life is just too damn short to waste it letting them have more then they already did, Cat, and they don't deserve it. Don't let the assholes that did this to you take anymore then they already did and for god's sake, don't push away the ones that are trying so desperately to help you. Pretty soon your fears could become reality, and all because you let them drive people away.

We're all here for you. Don't forget that. You're going to be my mother soon too, so never let yourself believe that we don't love you because it just isn't true.

Very sincerely,

Kayla would like to thank Amanda for the points she brought up that contributed to some of the points in this letter. She would also like to thank the Academy for no special reason.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
May. 18th, 2010 07:08 pm (UTC)
*hollas from the peanut gallery*
i'll be there saturday, sorry that i've been wishy-washy about it.
kayla's points are heart-rending. i've know kyra and destiny and cat as long as she has, and as much as it tore my heart at everything horrible that happened, i still felt compassion for cat.
because despite how much she can piss me off, i also have known the really cool person she also is.
i feel completely distant from all this now, the last four years we've all just drifted off our separate ways.
but as brash, bitchy, selfish and untrusting i am, once i love someone i always will. and unwavering loyalty is something i pride myself on.
kyra, even though we're not close anymore i still care about you. and even though destiny is a snotty teenager now i care for her too.
kayla, we've had our issues, we don't mesh well on the personality level, period. we care for the same people.
so. if i can do anything, let me know.

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )